Choosing
a Life Partner
Fragmentation and virtualization of communities
are increasingly resulting in the shrinking of natural environments where young
people can positively interact.
Another characteristic of the times is a
shunning of lasting relationships that come with commitment. Young people want
benefits without responsibility. They want relationships but no marriage.
Despite the challenges faced by young people
today the best is still to trust God for the right marriage partner. It is
still to relate with the intention and patience to nurture the relationship
towards marriage.
What can a young person who is ready for
marriage do to connect with the right person?
A.
Believe.
Proverbs
3:5-7. Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own
understanding. In all thy ways
acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.
Psalm
37:4-5 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of
thine heart. Commit thy way unto the
LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
Resist pressure to rush into anything that
surfaces and refuse to become desperate because it seems time is going or because
peers are getting married and settling in their families. It is never too late.
In his time he makes all things beautiful. Delight in the Lord and trust Him.
He cares for the sparrows. God provides for them and protects them. You are of more
value than the sparrows. As God brought Eve and Adam to each other he will do
for you.
B. Prepare.
Prepare the land then build the house (Proverbs
24:27). Prepare yourself to be the right spouse instead of preoccupation with
searching for Mr or Ms right. The following foundation qualities for a lasting marriage are the
areas a prospective spouse should prepare in.
>>Values/beliefs. Clarify and build your values. Shared values make a strong foundation for marriage. A believer in
the Lord should marry a believer in the lord (1 Corinthians 6:14). The fundamental purpose of marriage is to glorify God and to be partners in serving him.
>>Direction/dream. Clarify your life direction and purpose. Don't wait for a spouse but he or she will
find you busy developing yourself and pursuing your goals. How can two walk together unless they agree
on values and direction? Don't do something about your singleness before doing
something with your singleness. Ruth was busy when Boaz noticed. Her serving
revealed a beauty that posing for a photo shoot cannot bring out.
>>
Practice being a loving person. Learn to
care and love. Marriage is about committing to loving and caring for someone
unconditionally for life. The foundation of marriage is selfless love between
two people of the opposite sex. Learn to respect, submit and forgive others as
fitting.
>>Character
formation. Marriage requires physical maturity.
Furthermore, emotional and spiritual maturity strengthen a marriage. For
example, grow in faith, in being self-controlled, patient, kind, and
trustworthy. Can you be trusted to keep your word and promise.
>>Readiness. Don't just be sentimental (head over heels) but be
practical. Are you ready to take responsibility for each other/money, earnings,
house, etc? Develop financial means. Have a credible plan and process to fend,
feed and find your life. Don’t over dwell on current status but see beyond
based on the potential and practices of the person and the two of you. Prepare to be viably interdependent and
together independent. This is especially so for the man who biblically is the
bred winner. However wisdom requires that joint capacity be in place for the
wife is helper. Also if one spouse were not available the other should still be
able to stand and provide for the children. Ask what would happen to the
remaining spouse and the children should one spouse be removed from the scene.
>>Affinity/friends. Practice affinity participation and friendships. A marriage
is stronger where affinities between spouses, as well as mutual or
non-repelling/non diametrically opposed interests, exist. Interests may differ
but they ought to be complementary, or supplementary. A spouse may have a
differing interest e.g. in career but each should be able to share and support
interest in the other’s interests.
C.
Evaluate.
What you expect in a good spouse is what you
prepare in yourself. Why would you want great qualities in the other when you
are not developing great qualities in yourself? Ask God. When he came through for Adam, Adam did some evaluation and
concluded that Eve was bone of his bones. Good enough to leave his father and
mother for, if he had some. Love is not blind but it settles for what it sees
and knows. In the madness of love be sober and do your homework by observation,
communicating and listening to what credible people who know the person better
have to say. Consider the counsel and guidance of parents and
accountability/spiritual authority. Look out for the areas listed in B. Is the
person transparent and trustworthy? Have they opened up with their health, debts and
other relevant history? Does the person love enough to wait sexual intimacy
until marriage? Are your values and direction compatible? Is there traction, an
affinity and friendship between you? What is God saying to your heart? Do you have God's peace about the relationship? Get
involved in non-sexual activities together, learn about family background
Take aspects listed in B. as indicators of
compatibility and on them seek agreement or match. However there are other
differences such as age, income levels, personality, background, physical features e.g. who
is taller. Such difference don’t point to compatibility but should however be
taken note of as areas for potential manageable threats to oneness.
D.
Engage.
Seek and serve God first (Mathew 6:33). Get involved in the business of the Lord. Live your life and go about your business. Make your request known to God (Philippians 4:6. Look
and present yourself well. Do your part. As Moses learnt before the red sea, there is
time to pray and time to stretch your rod.
Walk in accountability to mutual authority and
seek to understand each other and to see a prosperous future together. The
courtship should be short enough e.g. for purity’s sake and long enough e.g.
for necessary preparations.
Don’t marry the person you think you can
live with. Marry the one you can’t live without. - P.C.Mathew and Ciby M
Learn and seek whatever help you need. Undergo proper
premarital counselling before marriage.
Message by Dr. Kurai
Chitima.
Faith Ministries –
Johannesburg Faith Life Center.
First Floor Dhando
House,
66 Eloff Street
Extension,
Village Deep,
Johannesburg,
South Africa
