Choosing a Life Partner

Choosing a Life Partner

Fragmentation and virtualization of communities are increasingly resulting in the shrinking of natural environments where young people can positively interact.  

Another characteristic of the times is a shunning of lasting relationships that come with commitment. Young people want benefits without responsibility. They want relationships but no marriage.

Despite the challenges faced by young people today the best is still to trust God for the right marriage partner. It is still to relate with the intention and patience to nurture the relationship towards marriage.

What can a young person who is ready for marriage do to connect with the right person?

A. Believe.

Proverbs 3:5-7. Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.  Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil. 

Psalm 37:4-5 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.  Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. 

Resist pressure to rush into anything that surfaces and refuse to become desperate because it seems time is going or because peers are getting married and settling in their families. It is never too late. In his time he makes all things beautiful. Delight in the Lord and trust Him. He cares for the sparrows. God provides for them and protects them. You are of more value than the sparrows. As God brought Eve and Adam to each other he will do for you.

B. Prepare.

Prepare the land then build the house (Proverbs 24:27). Prepare yourself to be the right spouse instead of preoccupation with searching for Mr or Ms right. The following foundation qualities for a lasting marriage are the areas a prospective spouse should prepare in.

>>Values/beliefs. Clarify and build your values. Shared values make a  strong foundation for marriage. A believer in the Lord should marry a believer in the lord (1 Corinthians 6:14). The fundamental purpose of marriage is to glorify God and to be partners in serving him. 

>>Direction/dream. Clarify your life direction and purpose.  Don't wait for a spouse but he or she will find you busy developing yourself and pursuing your goals.  How can two walk together unless they agree on values and direction? Don't do something about your singleness before doing something with your singleness. Ruth was busy when Boaz noticed. Her serving revealed a beauty that posing for a photo shoot cannot bring out.

>> Practice being a loving person. Learn to care and love. Marriage is about committing to loving and caring for someone unconditionally for life. The foundation of marriage is selfless love between two people of the opposite sex. Learn to respect, submit and forgive others as fitting. 

>>Character formation. Marriage requires physical maturity. Furthermore, emotional and spiritual maturity strengthen a marriage. For example, grow in faith, in being self-controlled, patient, kind, and trustworthy. Can you be trusted to keep your word and promise.

>>Readiness. Don't just be sentimental (head over heels) but be practical. Are you ready to take responsibility for each other/money, earnings, house, etc? Develop financial means. Have a credible plan and process to fend, feed and find your life. Don’t over dwell on current status but see beyond based on the potential and practices of the person and the two of you.  Prepare to be viably interdependent and together independent. This is especially so for the man who biblically is the bred winner. However wisdom requires that joint capacity be in place for the wife is helper. Also if one spouse were not available the other should still be able to stand and provide for the children. Ask what would happen to the remaining spouse and the children should one spouse be removed from the scene.

>>Affinity/friends. Practice affinity participation and friendships. A marriage is stronger where affinities between spouses, as well as mutual or non-repelling/non diametrically opposed interests, exist. Interests may differ but they ought to be complementary, or supplementary. A spouse may have a differing interest e.g. in career but each should be able to share and support interest in the other’s interests.

C. Evaluate.

What you expect in a good spouse is what you prepare in yourself. Why would you want great qualities in the other when you are not developing great qualities in yourself? Ask God. When he came through for Adam, Adam did some evaluation and concluded that Eve was bone of his bones. Good enough to leave his father and mother for, if he had some. Love is not blind but it settles for what it sees and knows. In the madness of love be sober and do your homework by observation, communicating and listening to what credible people who know the person better have to say. Consider the counsel and guidance of parents and accountability/spiritual authority. Look out for the areas listed in B. Is the person transparent and trustworthy? Have they opened up with their health, debts and other relevant history? Does the person love enough to wait sexual intimacy until marriage? Are your values and direction compatible? Is there traction, an affinity and friendship between you? What is God saying to your heart? Do you have God's peace about the relationship? Get involved in non-sexual activities together, learn about family background

Take aspects listed in B. as indicators of compatibility and on them seek agreement or match. However there are other differences such as age, income levels, personality, background, physical features e.g. who is taller. Such difference don’t point to compatibility but should however be taken note of as areas for potential manageable threats to oneness.

D. Engage.

Seek and serve God first (Mathew 6:33). Get involved in the business of the Lord. Live your life and go about your business. Make your request known to God (Philippians 4:6. Look and present yourself well. Do your part.  As Moses learnt before the red sea, there is time to pray and time to stretch your rod. 

Walk in accountability to mutual authority and seek to understand each other and to see a prosperous future together. The courtship should be short enough e.g. for purity’s sake and long enough e.g. for necessary preparations.

Don’t marry the person you think you can live with. Marry the one you can’t live without. - P.C.Mathew and Ciby M

Learn and seek whatever help you need. Undergo proper premarital counselling before marriage.

Message by Dr. Kurai Chitima.

Faith Ministries – Johannesburg Faith Life Center.

First Floor Dhando House,

66 Eloff Street Extension,

Village Deep,

Johannesburg,

South Africa